A very common request at my practice is, “I need help to control my anger.” The problem here is the anger, and the solution is control. However, as I often explain, managing anger isn’t just about control—it’s about understanding and responding to anger in healthier, more productive ways.
Understanding Anger: A Primary Emotion
One of the tenets of systems theory is “the problem is the solution.” In other words, the way we try to solve a problem can often be the real cause of many of our struggles. So how does this apply to anger?
Let’s explore managing anger. When we think about control, especially in relation to anger, we often imagine a paradox: either keeping it in and being completely unfazed or lashing out in rage. This creates a cycle of unresolved emotions that makes it even more challenging to manage anger.
The Danger of Suppressing Anger: How Keeping It In Can Lead to Resentment
Anger is a primary emotion, and while we experience different degrees of anger, we all experience it. Keeping anger in often leads to internal resentment toward others or even toward ourselves, increasing negative self-talk. This buildup makes managing anger in the next situation even more difficult, increasing the likelihood of reacting in a way we regret.
Conversely, lashing out and letting it all out isn’t helpful either, as it often leads to real hurt and regret. By learning how to properly express anger, we can break the cycle of emotional build-up and negative behaviour.
Real-World Example: Managing Anger in Daily Life
Let’s play out a common example:
“You are driving and get cut off by a driver who is talking on their phone and not very self-aware. You feel a wave of rage and the urge to rear-end this driver.”
You decide to drive past and not react. However, this does not offer much relief, and the thinking starts…
- “People really don’t care anymore.”
- “People really can’t drive.”
- “Why do they think they are so important?”
- “What’s the use of always taking caution like I do? They could have killed me.”
- “Why do things like this happen to me? Why do I have to put up with this?”
You arrive at work and don’t want to seem overly angry, so you keep it in—but it festers.
Two days later, you are cut off again. Those same thoughts come to the surface, and now you know that you are dealing with a self-important person who does not care and is personally trying to endanger your life.
Now you are unable to control yourself. You roll down your window, let them have it, and just short of a fight, drive off—frustrated with yourself for your lack of composure and wishing you could better manage your anger.
Do you see the cycle here? Many of my clients come in saying they just flipped out and need to control themselves. But when we look back a few days, we often find several frustrating situations that were controlled, ultimately leading to the final blow-up.
Steps to Break the Anger Cycle: Alternative Approaches
The first step is moving away from the polarity of keeping it in (control) and flipping out (lashing out). Instead, learning different approaches to navigating anger can be incredibly effective.
1. Focus Less on Control and More on Care
Anger is normal, and it triggers a physiological response. In these moments, care is often more helpful than trying to control it or fighting against yourself.
To start, notice and label the anger: “I am angry.” This simple act creates internal space between you and the emotion. Try feeling your feet on the floor, noticing what is happening in your body while taking a few deep breaths through your nose. If needed, take five minutes—go for a walk, get some fresh air.
It’s important to remember that the goal here is not to fight the anger but to respond to the physiological symptoms. For more on managing anger and emotional well-being, check out resources from Mind UK.
2. Identify Your Unmet Need
We all have needs, and anger often surfaces when we feel a need has not been met. Instead of saying, “I am angry because an idiot cut me off,” you might think, “I am angry because my need for safety was not honoured.”
This might sound trivial, but framing your anger in this way prepares you for action that is more beneficial than simply trying to control or suppress the anger. The feeling of anger, although not caused by you, is yours. The driver is not coming back to apologise, but understanding the unmet need helps you take action that supports you in the long run.
To explore further techniques for dealing with negative emotions, check out Psychology South Africa.
3. Express Your Need
This is often the most challenging part because it involves vulnerability. Vulnerability is a risk, but it has incredible potential for healing.
Being able to express your need and make a request allows anger to be a tool for meeting that need rather than causing harm. This can strengthen relationships instead of damaging them—which is often the biggest fear associated with expressing anger.
A conversation might go like this: “A driver cut me off today, and I felt really angry. I think I felt unsafe.” A conversation like this in the office may create empathy and agreement, and that empathy itself can be regulating. It contributes to a feeling of belonging and safety, reminding you that the world has caring people in it.
For more strategies on emotional regulation, visit the British Psychological Society.
Moving Beyond Control: A Healthier Approach to Managing Anger
Trying different tools and reframing anger will likely be much more helpful than the age-old paradox of keeping it all in or letting it all out. The solution we often seek—control—may actually be the problem. By incorporating the techniques mentioned above, managing anger becomes more about responding thoughtfully than attempting to control a natural, human emotion.
